Jan 18, 2010

I turn 39 tomorrow. Hard to believe. I do not feel 39. I am sure others may disagree, but I do not think I look 39. I do not feel that old. I understand now why my mother would rather tell people her own age as oppose to the age of her grown children. Her youngest is turning 39 years old. How have I spent the last 39 years? Much to ponder, I wish it were all good. Sadly I made mistakes, if I had the chance to go back, knowing what I know now, I would do things differently. I am not sad I am 39. I do not want to live regretting, I know what I have done or not done in the past 39 years has made me who I am today. What I am grateful for is that God, for some reason, has seen something beautiful in me. God, in His timing, amid my reluctance, has been molding me, transforming me, creating a new life in me. I am so grateful that He has continued His work in me, even though I have not always been a willing participant. I am happy to say, I have grown and am getting much better at willingly participating in God's plan for my life than forging forward with my own will. I have a long way to go and continue to be selfish and struggle to do His will over my own, but I am getting better. I desire His will more and more and my own less and less. I desire that abundant life. I can feel and see how my life is so much better when I allow the Holy Spirit to lead and I follow. That is happening more often than it use to, but still not nearly often enough. God has been so good to me. I want to be good to Him. I know God is control of every detail of my life. He has plans for me, every day of my life. Plans that glorify Him. It involves risk, faith, trust, loving Him more that I fear man. If I can do this, then I will experience God working through me and be forever transformed. This is the example I want to set for my girls. I do not want them to have to live on this earth 39 years before they realize how abundant life can be and how much you have missed out on by NOT allowing God to do His work though you. My first 39 years have been good, but I missed out on much because I was a slave to fear. No more, I do not want to miss another opportunity, I want to be so absorbed in God's purpose for me in every circumstance of my life to color every contact with individuals. That is how full lordship in every know area of life is given to Jesus. Then I will be able to draw on His exhasutless source of joy, peace, love, patience, self-control, power, strengh to endure, and ability to meet every sitaution, life becomes abundant, zestful, adventruesome, without fear and the personality is fully integrated. Be in the moment, be interruptable. This is how I want to live the next 39 years of my life!